“How Are You Doing?”
It’s such a simple question…until it is no longer simple.
People like me get caught up in the complexity. Trying to read the face of the asker, we wonder what they really want to know. A sliding scale from one to ten? Physically or emotionally? Generally or specifically?
We are afraid of being judged. What if we don’t answer according to expectations? What if their question was a common courtesy, and we responded with detailed medical procedures? How much information is too much information?
We even struggle when a doctor asks, “How are you doing?” Is he looking for a general, “I’m still alive,” or a specific, like, “The muscle in my arm twitches.” If we tell him about all our aches and pains, will he send us for more tests? And who wants more tests?
How can I tell what is important and not important?
A friend recently wrote, “When the oncologist asked me how I was doing, I said I was ‘fine.’ My wife was shocked at that response because she lives with me and says that I’m not fine. I tried to explain to her my response was based on cancer issues. I’m grateful to be in remission and not doing chemotherapy. In that regard, I am fine!
My friend continued, “These other issues aren’t as serious to me, and I don’t know how to respond to the ‘How are you doing?’ question. While my mood regarding all things health-related is low at the moment, I know it’s temporary. In my thinking, if I had constant pain, I would not be fine!”
He was caught in the “fine/not fine” quandary.
Cancer and other diseases have changed our paradigm. Remember the days when a slight pain sent us to the medicine cabinet? If we felt tired, we went to bed thinking we must be getting sick. Now, unless it persists for days, we grin and bear it.
I wish I could give you some pithy advice. Just realize you may not always get it right. One time, I casually mentioned to a doctor a sore muscle from working out – it ended up being a reoccurrence of cancer. You never know when a little detail will make a difference.
It depends on who is asking and what you feel led to communicate. Sometimes, we just need to let them decide what to take away from our response. Or we can ask a clarifying question like, “Generally or specifically?” or “Medically or Emotionally?”
And I’d encourage you to walk away from the interchange feeling encouraged. The person cared enough to ask, even if you didn’t know the ins and outs of what they wanted to know.
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