Maybe you are not the one running around wildly during this season. Perhaps you are the one trapped in illness. Maybe you are struggling to find anything good about the world while everyone else passes you by.

I’ve been there – in the hospital room, knowing it was because of me my son’s birthday party was canceled. I’ve watched others dashing to and fro while I longed to be a part of the fun but felt I couldn’t make the effort to reach out. Some of it is my personality, but some of it is not knowing what to say without boring others with the life I now live that is different from their world.

Amid the flurry, I wanted them to slow down, just a little bit, to see me, to see that I am still here, that I want to contribute. I’ve missed them; I’ve missed the life we had together; I’ve missed the holidays we had, and I want more.

How can I do that while I live with my disease? Or, to broaden the question, how can we do that while living with our disease?

First, we can realize our feelings are natural. Our world has changed and looks different than what healthy people experience. I wrote about it in Suspended: Living with Dying, chapter 8. It’s like we’re on trains headed in opposite directions. We see life from different perspectives through our challenges.

Secondly, we shouldn’t assume people don’t want to be with us. This is a hard one for me. It’s easy to fall into the pity-pit that everyone is too busy for me – I would just hold them back. Yes, they are busy, especially at this time of year, but that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t want to be with me or with you.

And third, we could take a risk and communicate our desire to them. OK, I know this is much harder than the first two, but hear me out. It’s almost 100% true that it won’t work if you don’t do it. Reach out with a phone call or a note, telling others that you would like a few minutes to be with them. When you are in a group, reach out physically and let them know you’ve missed them. Try to remember something in their life you could ask them about, so they know you haven’t forgotten about them. Or remind them of a shared memory of a holiday past.

Communicating that you want to connect is a risk, recognizing they may not be able to slow down in the moment. But it at least gives them the chance to see you are there and realize how much you value your relationship with them. That in and of itself is a gift to them.

My wish for you this holiday season is that you will have moments of joy, when you can see those you love and who love you, when you can connect with happy times of the past, and have joy in the present.

Questions/Comments: Who is someone you hesitate to ask to slow down during this season? What are you going to connect with them?